American Love
by OncerinLoVe
Summary: "You see I got this American Love,a brand new planet in my solar system. I kiss her neck but I just can't look her in the eye."
1. Lust, Casey

So this is my first story on FF. I actually love Elliot and Kathy, but for some reason I had to write this. The title is from a Jack's Mannequin song that doesn't have anything to do with anything. If anyone actually reads this, tell me if it's any good.

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><p>It isn't love. Just bodies using bodies.<p>

He uses me to get away from her. I use him to get away from me. The two of us, we're almost numb. With everything we see, it's hard to go through the motions of normalcy. But we finally figured out a way to feel alive.

He loves his wife. That's fine with me. If he didn't, he would want to be a perfect gentleman. He would treat me like a princess. Which would destroy the entire purpose of our liaison. The first time, when he decided to act on the attraction that had been between us since we met, I know he thought of her. He thought of the guilt. Well, I think I made him forget the guilt until for a while. Now I wonder if he thinks of me when he's making love to his wife - which is exactly what it is for them; he loves her, but he can only get what he really wants from me.

I know she knows. When she comes into the precinct to talk to Elliot, and she sees me, I can tell that she knows. But she acts like she doesn't, because admitting she knows makes it real. I know she must wonder what I have that she doesn't. Whether if it's because of the job or the sex or just the pure desire for someone younger. The hurt in her eyes makes part of me want to end it, but the part that always wins reasons with my conscience. If he loves her so much, he should stop. He's the one who's married. He's the one who swore vows to her. I don't owe her anything, as cold as that sounds. Besides, we both know that we each need what the other can give.

Aren't we just perfect Catholics? Adultery. Lust. Lies. We've managed some deadly sins. I know he goes to confession after he leaves me. Like that matters when we both know that next chance he gets he'll be back, pinning me down on the bed, making me scream his name. But sometimes sin is so worth it. I am his one vice to overshadow all of his virtues. I used to think he was such a saint. Now I've realized he's just another sinner like the rest of us.

Somewhere, between the sweat and the tangled sheets and our racing hearts, are the consequences. But like everything else in this arrangement, if it all goes up in smoke, Elliot will lose more. A point that requires a moment of thought from him. But no more than a thought. We're like a drug to each other. We know how to turn each other on and we know exactly what the other wants and how to give it, exactly how the make the other cry out in pure pleasure.

At work, no one could see what's going on. We act like we always have: friendly but professional. Who we are at SVU is completely different from who we are in the darkness of my apartment. The almost complete darkness when we're together is just one more denial by Elliot Stabler. But just because he can't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening. The only person who can see what's going on is Olivia. But that's only because she's always been a bit in love with Elliot. She acts cordially towards me, but I can tell it's all an act. She thinks I'm a whore, sleeping with a married man, a man with a family, but she's also more jealous than she could ever admit to herself. Because now she knows that it isn't his wife stopping him, just her. Just the fact that he chose me and not her.

I wonder if the victims' crusader would be so keen on her partner if she knew what he really wants in bed. I'll admit even I was quite surprised that he likes it as rough as he does, considering the job. How much he needs to be in complete control. And I know it scares the crap out of him. He's afraid that he's slowly drifting closer to the monsters he chases. Which is probably the real reason why he comes to me instead of his wife. I can give him what she can't. He could never be anything but gentle to his wife. But me, he doesn't mind. Or at least, he tries not to mind. The sweet things he whispers in my ear before he throws me up against the wall or shoves me down to the bed or floor are just his way of justifying that he thinks he's becoming the things he despises. He shouldn't be worried. He could never become a rapist. He's still Saint Elliot.

Being with Elliot is always so worth it. The bruises all over my body are just the physical reminders of the ecstasy of pleasure and pain that always comes with our encounters. The only rule is that he can't leave any marks anywhere visible. Because if anybody sees bruises or bites, I probably lose all respect in my job, the thing I do love. I wonder if his wife noticed the deep scratches that I left on his back last night. I wonder if she even bothered to ask about them. I doubt it. It's been a few months since Elliot's nights had been getting later, since he had become even more distracted at home, if he's actually there, since his marriage had taken yet another hit. But when you're as desperate to hold on to your husband as Kathy Stabler, you ignore the way your husband looks at me. The illusion and denial are better to her than tearing her family apart. Elliot and I have no illusions about our _relationship_. We both acknowledge that we use each other simply for the purpose of escape. Just bodies using bodies.


	2. Guilt, Elliot

So I decided to write a chapter from Elliot's POV. Reviews are very much appreciated.

When I was seventeen, I met Kathy for the first time. It didn't take me long to realize that I would love her for the rest of my life. But we were just kids. And then all of the sudden, we weren't. It wasn't about me anymore. It was about being a husband and a father. I joined the Marines because it was the right thing to do. I became a cop to support my family. And I don't regret any of it. I love them; my wife and my kids are my life. But eventually doing the right thing gets tiring.

And then there's Casey. She's like cocaine: addictive as hell with the greatest high you could ever imagine. All I can think about is getting my next fix. I know that this obsession is tearing me away from everyone I love, but I can't help myself. It's even changing m partnership with Olivia, though I can't imagine why. Maybe it just violates her morals.

The first time I met Casey, she kicked my ass, pissing off everyone on the cop's team. And then a few months later, she shows up as our new ADA, refusing to leave Liv and me alone to do our jobs. It took me a while to stop hating Casey. Maybe Huang would say that I was so against Casey because I wanted her so badly. But I don't put that much stock in Huang's psych crap. But once I gave up on hating her, then things started getting more difficult. We bonded, became pretty close. But then there were always the undertones of sexual tension hidden beneath every word. And then there was the vicious fighting when we didn't agree. Those were the moments that I wanted her the most. It was the passion that was long gone with Kathy.

And then there was the day that I finally decided that I couldn't hold back anymore. We'd just collared a pedophile who had finally killed his last victim. The other six that had barely survived were too traumatized to testify at that point. So we needed a confession, and I wanted to kill the guy more than anything. Those girls were Lizzie's age. Olivia and Munch had been in interrogation for four hours already and hadn't gotten anything. So I wanted to go in.

"Let me try. I'll get a confession."

"There's no way in hell that you're going in there Elliot. I'm not going to let you beat a confession out of him."

With every word, Casey drew closer. We were both pissed.

"Well you know what counselor, **I don't answer to you!**"

At this point, it was turning into an all out screaming match. Our faces were inches apart. The sexual tension was filling the air, so apparent that even Cragen could feel it.

"Well you know what Stabler, **my** case is **not** getting thrown out because **you** have anger management issues!"

I just wanted to shove her down on her knees right then and there and make her submit to me, hear her beg for me. But instead I told Cragen I was going home and walked away mumbling under my breath.

"Bitch."

In the end, we were able to convict the guy with testimony from the victims who had a change of heart. We didn't break him that night though. Not until Casey got him on the stand.

When I stormed out I heard the click of Casey's heals storming right behind me. Once we got outside to my car, I turned around, still pissed off. I can't say I like it when people tell me what to do. Especially young, spitfire ADA's who think they know everything.

"What do you want?"

I turned around and leaned on of my hands against the car leaving my body an arm's length away from the car. Casey walked right up to me, leaned her slim body against the car and sneered:

"Would it kill you to give me a little respect? Especially when I'm right."

I just wanted to shut her up, keep her mouth otherwise occupied. So I did. I forgot about Kathy and pedophiles and rapists. All I thought of was Casey as I pushed her up against my car and kissed her. Pretty soon, clothes were coming dangerously close to coming off.

"Elliot," she said, breathing heavily, "not here."

So we got in my car and drove to her apartment. We could keep control of ourselves on our way. But pretty soon we were in her kitchen and I was on top of her, dominating her. I hadn't felt so alive in so long. But I couldn't keep the guilt out. I was cheating on Kathy and fucking Casey in ways I had only heard described by rapists. They both deserved better. And no matter how good it was, I promised myself it would never happen again. I went to confession and tried to be perfect to Kathy. That didn't even last two weeks.

I wonder what Huang would say about Casey and me. Maybe he would tell me that I like to slap Casey around because my dad slapped me around. That I wanted to dominate and hurt her to gain back that control. Or maybe he would just tell me that I've been with SVU for too long, and I'm starting to become like the scum that I arrest. I don't know. But whatever it is, I don't want to hear it. Like I said, I don't put much stock in Huang's psych crap.

With Casey I have no responsibilities, no demands. Just sex and no strings. The only rules that Casey has are that no one at work can know and that I have to be gone by the time she wakes up. Not that either of those things are a problem because of Kathy and the kids. G-d I love them so much. And all I want is to be completely devoted to them. But now, the guilt doesn't even register anymore. When I'm with Kathy, I'm wishing I was with Casey. I don't know what I would do if Kathy ever found out. I couldn't lose my family again. But sometimes being married isn't that great. And Casey takes me away from all of that. She doesn't care how many marks I leave on her or how late I get home or that I spend all day chasing rapists and murderers. All she cares about is what my body can do to hers. It's the perfect relationship.


	3. Anger, Lizzie

That bitch.

That fuck-ing bitch.

That stupid, trashy, nasty slut.

That repulsive, cheap, vicious whore.

How dare _she_ tear my family apart? How dare _she_ bait my dad away from my mom? Why does she have to wreck my family? Can't she destroy someone else's family? What, all the sudden we aren't good enough for dad anymore? He needs some chick who was still a kid when Maureen was born? It's all that bitch's fault. Dad was perfectly happy with our family before _she _came along. Sure, he and mom had some rough times, but they got over it. They even had another child! What makes _her_ think that _she_ can just waltz in and take him from us? I know that it kills mom. Dad thinks that she doesn't know, that Dickie and I don't know, but it's so obvious. Like we really think he's working late. Like we don't know he was with _her_.

One time she even had the audacity to show up here. She was dressed in some trampy outfit, heading to wherever home wreckers like her go for fun, to return dad's handcuffs and shit, claiming he left them in her office. Yeah right. Like she wasn't just rubbing the whole thing in mom's face. As soon as dad came downstairs, he went outside to go talk to _her_. So I opened my window and listened. It was disgusting. He couldn't even look her in the eye, since he was too busy staring at her body. She could have at least worn something resembling actual clothing when she showed up. But that would be too decent for someone like _her_.

What the hell is so special about her? Why aren't we enough anymore? And what about next year, when I go off to college and it's just mom and Eli? I try to get dad to stay with us, to remember that _she_ can't give him this: the family, the stability, the unconditional love. But once I'm not here, I'm afraid mom's just going to let _her _win and take dad forever.

How could he do this to us? As much as I want to blame _her_, I can't pretend that dad isn't to blame too. I mean, it's _her _fault, the bitch probably seduced and manipulated him, but dad shouldn't have cared. He has us. Why does he need her? Mom, Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie, Eli and I should be enough for him. Why aren't we?


	4. Obsession, Olivia

"Hey Liv, you want to come?"

He asks, but he doesn't really want me there. He's only asking because that's what he always does. Mitchell Henrich, who captured a young woman and raped and tortured for a month, had been convicted. I have to admit, Casey did a good job with the case, bringing the jury to tears with her closing argument even after the victim's credibility was destroyed and evidence was thrown out. The jury had only deliberated for a few hours and El, Casey and I had just left the courtroom. Elliot and Casey were going out for a celebratory drink, but they really just want to get a little drunk and screw each other. She isn't even subtle about, hanging all over him like she does.

El was such a good, principled man before Casey came along. I always respected his family, but she just walked right in and seduced him. I could see it from the day she started at SVU. She was always trying to get him into her bed. Eventually, even someone as moral and devoted as Elliot couldn't resist it forever. Because he would never have had an affair if she hadn't badgered him. He's too good for that. But her, she's just a calculating bitch.

El and I are the perfect partners. We're both totally dedicated to helping the victims and put the scum in prison. No matter when I needed him, he was there for me. It was us in our own little world. I was there when he and Kathy were separated and when she wanted a divorce, when Kathleen was arrested and when she was using, when Dickie and his friend were missing, when Eli was born, when Kathy was in an accident with her. Every time IAB asked questions about Elliot beating out a confession out of a perv, I stood by him, never giving them anything on him, even when what they were saying was true. I've risked my life for him. Because he is worth it. Because he has a wife and kids, and I know that. But Casey just took advantage of his vulnerability, and now he's in over his head with her.

Some people think I'm in love with El. Kathy thought it. But they're wrong. He's my best friend. I'm just looking out for him. I'm not in love with him. I'm just making sure that he doesn't throw everything away for some stupid fling, for some trampy ADA throwing herself at him. He's too good for her. So any time I can stop them from being alone together or point out her many flaws, I do. Because I care about him. Unlike her. I've been his loyal partner for over ten years. And she just showed up and caused trouble. At first, El and I both hated her. She was selfish, only after glory and winning. She just cared about her conviction rate. But eventually, she tricked us into liking her. And for a little while, Casey and I got along great. We were even friends. I trusted her. But I was always a little suspicious of her and Elliot. Once I realized that she was sleeping with him, I forgot about being nice to her. What kind of moral woman sleeps with a married man with a family? It's despicable. I can't even fathom why he would choose her, out of all the women out there, to cheat with. She never did anything for him. She never supported and encouraged him, or stuck with him through the hard times. She never protected him or stood by his decisions no matter what. She just criticized him and argued with him. When I supported him, she just knocked him down. But he still chose her. He's my partner, and I stand by him. And she just messes up his life.

Well I'm not going to let anything happen to him.

"Yeah, let's go."


	5. Resignation, Kathy

So, first of all, I have no respect for women who stay with men who cheat. That said, I love Elliot and Kathy together, and I do like Kathy, so I didn't just want her to be blind or pathetic. Review please.

Casey Novak, 34, Assistant District Attorney in the Manhattan District Attorney's office. She spent a few years prosecuting white collar crimes and then eight years ago, she started prosecuting sex crimes with Manhattan SVU.

A few years later, our marriage started to fall apart. Was it her? Or Olivia? Or was Elliot just more devoted to his job than to his family? And that's why I couldn't stay with him. But eventually, things got better between us. I found out that I was pregnant and El and I stayed together for our baby. I've always liked to think that it was more than that, both when we were seventeen and then. But maybe I was wrong. For me, it was always about El and our family. Maybe, if I hadn't been pregnant back then, we wouldn't have been married so young, but El was still the man I knew I would marry. Everything I've done in life has been for him and our children. That's even why I left. El didn't need me holding him back at SVU and our children couldn't think that it was okay that their father was never home. But then Eli came along and everything was perfect again. Elliot and I were stronger than ever.

Elliot thinks I don't see the scratches on his back and that I can't smell her on him when he climbs into bed far too late, as usual. Some people might think I'm weak for staying with Elliot even though I know what's going on, and I do know it, even as I often deny it to myself. But I'm not just staying because I love him. It's true that's a big part of it; he's my husband and the father of my children. But I'm not too proud to kick him out, if love was all I losing. I'm also staying for our family. I can't rip it apart. Not after everything we've been through with Maureen, Kathleen and Dickie. The kids couldn't take it and neither could I. They're more important than me, and my pride, and my hurt, and my humiliation. For them, I'll stay no matter what.

Even before I knew who it was, I knew there was someone else. All the signs were there. All of the sudden, he had no interest in me, and he kept coming home later. And then he would be perfect, showering me with affection and love. I know Elliot loves me. That's one thing I'm sure of. No matter what, he comes home to me, no matter what he does with Casey Novak. I thought it could be Olivia. They've always been close, and Olivia has clearly been in love with him since they became partners. Eventually, I realized that they were friends, nothing more. I admit, I've always been jealous of their closeness, but I know that there's nothing sexual about Elliot's feelings for Olivia. And then one time I came into the precinct to talk to Elliot and there she was. Her and Elliot were talking. To most people, it would have seemed innocent, but after over twenty years over being with Elliot, I knew how he looked at someone he was attracted to. And I certainly knew the look on Casey Novak's face.

At the beginning, I wondered what she had that I didn't. I knew she was young, smart and beautiful, and that she did the same work he did, the same work that tore us apart, but I thought there had to be something else. I searched myself for signs that something was wrong with me. It had to be my fault. But now, I've given trying to find the reason. He's the one fooling around, not me. It's his fault. I just know that he comes home to me now and he always will.


	6. Confession, Dr Huang

It was time for the SVU detectives' annual evaluations. So far all the evaluations had been routine. However, before Elliot's evaluation, Captain Cragen approached Dr. Huang. He was a little worried about Stabler. There had been something off with him and Olivia for a while now. Sometimes he would be a little spacey, but not enough for concern. "It could be nothing," Cragen maintained. But Huang heard the words underneath: _It could be everything._ It was up to Huang to determine if something was wrong with Elliot, or if it really was nothing, just a temporary state.

So Huang had started the evaluation. He asked Elliot about the job and about the cases. nothing seemed irregular. In fact, Elliot seemed to be coping better than it had appeared in last year's assessment. Then, Huang started asking about his home. That's when things got interesting.

"So detective, how are things at home?"

"Everything at home is fine?"

He tried to answer normally, but his body language revealed the truth. Everything was not fine.

"What is it? Is it your kids? Is one of them in trouble?"

"No"

Stabler looked Huang directly in the eye as he answered. He showed no signs of lying.

"What about your marriage? Is that fine too?"

"Yes." Elliot answered, dropping his gaze, changing his body language. Here was where the problem was.

"Are you sure about that?" Huang 's eyebrows were raised.

"My marriage is fine. Nothing's wrong with it." Elliot said angrily, still not looking Huang in the eyes. Huang decided to follow his gut instinct.

"Something," he calmly replied, "or someone, is causing problems in your marriage. I think we should talk about it."

Elliot knew he was caught. There was something about the doctor that made Elliot want to tell him about Casey. Maybe it was that stare. Or maybe it was just something they teach you when you're getting your degree.

"I… um… haven't been completely faithful to my wife." Now Elliot was staring at the floor, stubbornly refusing to look up at Huang. Huang had to admit he was surprised. But he realized that Elliot wanted to tell someone. He wanted to confess.

"Are you planning on leaving your wife?"

"No. Of course not. I love Kathy." The suggestion made Elliot angry. Interesting.

"Does the other woman know this?"

"Of course. Case… I mean she, doesn't want me to leave my wife." Elliot dropped his gaze again. But it didn't matter. Huang knew what he heard. He could guess the rest of the name of Elliot's mistress. And that was something to be concerned about.

"Does Kathy know about the affair?"

"No. Definitely not." He seemed certain, but Huang didn't believe that Kathy couldn't know.

"And if she finds out?"

The question appeared to stump Elliot and he looked down. After he few moments he looked up again.

"I have no idea. But she'll never find out. We've been careful. We've covered our tracks."

"Is it affecting your job?" This was the important question. The one that determined Elliot's fate in the NYPD.

"Never." Elliot may have believed that, but Huang didn't. He continued asking Elliot standard questions, but even after the end of the interview, Huang was still struggling. As much as people thought that they could keep their personal lives out of work, Huang knew that you couldn't be two separate people. And mixing your personal life with work was like mixing alcohol and vicodin. Neither was a good idea. It would undoubtedly affect his job performance. And Casey's as well. But was it the business of the NYPD? That's was Huang's question. Did he owe the information to Cragen if nothing had happened yet? Or did Elliot's slight distraction already count as a result of his affair, and therefore allow Huang to betray Elliot's trust? He really wasn't sure. These were his thoughts as he walked to his office to write his report. To tell something that really wasn't anyone's business or to keep the source of Elliot's minimal behavior changes to himself? Huang had made his decision. But would he regret it?


	7. Observation, Cragen

So I feel like I've run out of ideas for this story. Any suggestions are welcomed. _

Huang had come back with his evaluation of Elliot. Which is why I needed to talk to him.

"Stabler," I said, beckoning with my hand.

It's the end of the day. Only Benson and Stabler were left working anyway. Normally they would be laughing and joking, or at least talking. Now they just sit in silence, working. Occasionally Olivia looks at him, but he never meets her gaze. It isn't exactly a secret at SVU, even to me, how she feels about Elliot. It worries me that they don't really click anymore. They had the perfect partnership. Yes, sometimes I was worried that they too close to do the job, that they'd put each other before anything else. In the end, if it came to that, they'd still put each other first.

"Yes Captain?"

"I got your evaluation from Huang today."

"Yeah, so?" Elliot asked nervously, taking a phrase from his teenager. He was trying to appear unaffected, but I know Huang's evaluation spooked him.

"He said you're probably having personal problems that are affecting your work. Do you want some time off?"

"No. I'm fine," Elliot replied with a mix of anger and relief. So he was hiding something. But that wasn't really any of my business. Huang said he's okay to work, so Stabler will work. His wife was waiting for him after he left my office. She's angry, in that subtle way that women are angry and don't want it to be too obvious. I guess these are the personal problems Huang was referring to. Elliot tried to put his arm around Kathy, but she immediately pulled back. It was only for a second, and then she melted into him, falling back into the familiar position. Most people wouldn't even notice. But I did. I've seen Elliot and Kathy together enough where their behaviors have registered. It's always been Elliot pulling back, with Kathy reaching out, desperate to hold onto him. But this time was different. This time it was Kathy who pulled and Elliot who was left grasping at a ghost.


	8. Sound, Elliot

_Smack_

That's the noise I hear when I slam Casey into her bedroom wall.

_Gasp_

That's the sound Casey makes as I make my way down her body.

_Fuck_

That's what Casey says as patches of her skin start to bruise and turn purple.

_Oh god_

That's what she whispers before she gives in to me and gives up all the control.

But then there's the one sound that ruins it all.

_Buzz_

That's the sound my phone makes when Kathy calls, interrupting us.

_"Where are you Elliot?"_

She's angry, but right now, I couldn't care less. I just want to get back to Casey.

_"I told you, I'm working."_

_"And I told you that I had plans tonight and that I wanted you to stay with Eli."_

Shit. I forgot that Kathy needed me tonight. But Casey was already pulling me towards the bed, eager to resume our activities.

_"I'm sorry, I forgot. I um… let me call you back."_

And so I hang up the phone, fully intending to tell Casey that I need to leave.

_"Casey, I can't do this tonight. Kathy needs me to stay with Eli."_

_"That's fine," _she says, giving me a smirk, _"I can do this myself."_

And then she starts moving her hands down her body with her eyes closed. I can't leave. I can't resist her body, her moans, the possibilities.

I quickly call Kathy back.

_"Look Kathy, they really need me tonight. I've got to go."_

And I hang up.

_"I knew you wouldn't go." _She whispers as I join her on the bed, picking up where we left off.

So who really has the control, Casey or me? It's supposed to be me, but maybe Casey's not as submissive as I thought. That will have to change tonight.

I feel terrible about Kathy, but… I'll forget Kathy for now. She'll always be there later anyway.


End file.
